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Natural Family Planning Week
Remembering Mother Teresa’s words of wisdom: Contraception destroys love
By Fletcher Doyle
The 40th anniversary of Humanae Vitae is a good time to remember how Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta got to the heart of the Church’s prohibition against contraception. She addressed a National Prayer Breakfast, sponsored by the U.S. Senate and House of representatives on Feb. 3, 1994:
“I know that couples have to plan their family and for that there is natural family planning. The way to plan the family is natural family planning, not contraception.
“In destroying the power of giving life, through contraception, a husband or wife is doing something to self. This turns the attention to self and so it destroys the gift of love in him or her. In loving, the husband and wife must turn the attention to each other as happens in natural family planning, and not to self, as happens in contraception. Once that living love is destroyed by contraception, abortion follows very easily.
“I also know that there are great problems in the world - that many spouses do not love each other enough to practice natural family planning. We cannot solve all the problems in the world, but let us never bring in the worst problem of all, and that is to destroy love. And this is what happens when we tell people to practice contraception and abortion.
“The poor are very great people. They can teach us so many beautiful things. Once one of them came to thank us for teaching her natural family planning and said: “You people who have practiced chastity, you are the best people to teach us natural family planning because it is nothing more than self-control out of love for each other.” And what this poor person said is very true. These poor people maybe have nothing to eat, maybe they have not a home to live in, but they can still be great people when they are spiritually rich.
“When I pick up a person from the street, hungry, I give him a plate of rice, a piece of bread. But a person who is shut out, who feels unwanted, unloved, terrified, the person who has been thrown out of society - that spiritual poverty is much harder to overcome. And abortion, which often follows from contraception, brings a people to be spiritually poor, and that is the worst poverty and the most difficult to overcome.”
Whether a couple is using NFP to bring new life into existence or to avoid a pregnancy through the use of periodic abstinence, there is an element of sacrifice involved.
Blessed Mother Teresa described the payoff for confronting the fear of that sacrifice as part of her statement to the Cairo Conference on Population on Sept. 9, 1994:
“God has created a world big enough for all the lives He wishes to be born. It is only our hearts that are not big enough to want them and accept them… We are too often afraid of the sacrifices we might have to make. But where there is love, there is always sacrifice. Ånd when we love until it hurts, there is joy and peace.”
And where there is joy and peace, marriage and the family can thrive.
One positive effect of NFP is that men and women acknowledge their roles and responsibilities in the creation of a new life. A second positive effect is a change in the way spouses view each other and their mutual relationship.
Couples who use NFP attest to the benefit. NFP is really a study of fertility in which a couple learns the workings of their reproductive systems. Acquiring this knowledge can bring about profound changes in the way people view their bodies and the bodies of their spouses.
This reverence toward the body seems to increase particularly among men, even those who say they have “finished their families.”
Many men report new feelings of awe towards their wives as they see the changes they go through every month. The man develops a sense of gratitude for the gift of fertility his wife gives him. She in turn develops a sense of gratitude that her husband is cooperating with her fertility instead of asking her to destroy it.
In this way both come to see that every act of intercourse is a reaffirmation of their marital commitment. Their mutual trust increases. Economist George Akerlof writes: “It seems reasonable … that the probability of a breakup is higher for couples in uncommitted relationships than for those in committed ones.”
Armed with the knowledge of their fertility, the husband and wife can make mutual decisions on when to make love based on their situation in life. These decisions spark a dialogue, which keeps open the lines of communication. The couple sees that not every sexual act, especially one that can result in a pregnancy that would be detrimental, is an act of love.
This can bring about a change in behavior that is beneficial to marriage. Spouses become less selfish, less centered on their own sexual needs. Abstinence becomes a sacrifice made for the good of the other. These benefits are available to couples regardless of whether they are newly-weds or have been married for twenty years.
In light of all this, why should anyone expect the Church to change its teaching on contraception? Why should a Church, speaking in the name of God who is love, give its blessing to something that has led to abortion, divorce, reproductive health problems for women, poorer relationships between the sexes, more children living in poverty and more men becoming socially dysfunctional?
This article is excerpted from Fletcher Doyle’s book, Natural Family Planning Blessed our Marriage.
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Signs of Grace: Seeking God’s advice,
couple is blessed by NFP
By Jennifer Ricard
The Catechism of the Catholic Church describes grace as the “free and undeserved help that God gives us to respond to his call to become children of God.”
My husband, Frank, and I have experienced God’s “undeserved help,” as we have wrestled with His plan for our family. We now know it was God’s grace that guided our journey.
Frank and I met in our work place soon after college. Our first date was at a Chinese restaurant. After dinner, my fortune cookie read, “Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you.”
Frank thought it was the coolest thing ever—I wondered if it was a setup!
From that unexpected beginning, we married and had five children almost immediately.
Because of our family size, people often assumed that we were “good Catholics,” thinking that we had always accepted the Church’s teaching prohibiting contraception. In our case that assumption would be wrong.
We had used contraception despite the fact that the priest who prepared us for marriage taught us Church teachings.
We stopped using contraception only to have our first baby, Emily. We did the same for our second child, Madeline, and our third child, Sam.
Around the time that Sam was born, Frank and I became involved in youth ministry. This prompted me to question our own contraceptive behavior. If we had to explain the Church’s teachings on chastity, I thought, we should follow them ourselves!
I quickly ordered Natural Family Planning (NFP) books and signed up for the local diocesan class. Before class began however, I skimmed through the book and started tracking my menstrual cycle on a calendar. One romantic evening soon after that, with total disregard for the calendar, we conceived our twins, Caroline and Sophia.
Having five babies within six years was extremely overwhelming. Without hesitation I forgot about NFP and got a prescription for birth control pills. Something quite unexpected then happened.
During these years using contraception I lost my sexual desire for my husband. Sex became one more thing I had to do for somebody. In addition, Frank and I began to fight about sex. Needless to say, this was upsetting—I loved my husband and I often prayed that God would help us!
In this difficult period a new parish priest came into our lives. With every examination of conscience in preparation for the Sacrament of Reconciliation he would bring up contraception. I would immediately dismiss the subject. “That teaching doesn’t apply to us,” I thought, “we have five kids!” And yet, this new priest’s comments stuck with me and my heart remained restless. The turning point for me happened after a conversation about sterilization.
One of our friends had been sterilized and asked me when Frank would “get snipped.” Without missing a beat, I said, “Maybe for my birthday.”
The fact that I so easily thought of sterilization got me thinking—how could I, we, decide to do something so major without talking about it and praying? Soon after this realization, I wondered why we were not open to having another child. I found myself offering simple prayers asking God to help us.
It was the first time that I had asked God for guidance regarding our fertility. From that simple step, God began to send signs though neighbors, family and friends.
Soon after that, I spoke with our new parish priest about my concerns. He confirmed that the Church’s teachings were true and gave me CDs and books to learn more.
At the same time, I kept receiving signs about having a sixth child. For example, when we were out to dinner I complimented a woman about the behavior of her five children. She thanked me and mentioned that her sixth child was away at college. At a parish meeting I saw an old friend who commented that she thought I had a new baby. She had not known we were discerning. I shared these and other experiences with our new parish priest and asked if they were signs from God. He said if they were, they would not stop coming. Father’s words could not have been more true—the signs kept coming.
Meanwhile, Frank and I signed up for NFP class. It may sound like an exaggeration, but from the first day we began using NFP everything immediately felt different. Frank would set the alarm, take my temperature, and record the numbers on the chart.
I felt so taken care of. I felt a tenderness that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I liked that he was learning about my body. It was helpful that he knew where I was in my cycle, especially during difficult days. I came to understand this total love and acceptance in a deeper way.
As we lived the NFP lifestyle, we began to realize that all of our reasons for avoiding pregnancy were “earthly”—we would need a new car, a bigger house, and more money for everything. An unexpected encounter with an old man in a donut shop broke through our hesitation. “So, how many kids do you have?” I asked. “Three boys and three girls,” he responded. I got the biggest smile on my face, called my husband to share the story, and that evening our precious son, Thomas Anthony, was conceived.
It is by the grace of God that we have our children and a redeemed sex life as well. My husband, Frank, and I have learned that our sexual union should be focused on giving rather than getting. NFP provided the environment to live this out. We are so grateful that we now have the kind of marital union that God had planned for us! It has changed our lives so much that we became NFP teachers to spread the good news.
Now that we use NFP, we see our married life as always having an opportunity to love like God loves. Of course, God provides the grace, and we must choose to participate with Him.
I am convinced that there is something about getting the sexual element of marriage “right with God” that ends up affecting everything. Marital union is the marriage vows made flesh and every act of intercourse is a renewal of these vows. Only a union centered on God and His will in our lives will truly satisfy the desires of our hearts!____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Formula for a strong Marriage
By Fr. Matthew Habiger, OSB, Ph.D.
www.nfpoutreach.org
When God designed marriage for a man and woman, He had in mind a lifelong relationship that would bring fulfillment and happiness to the man, the woman, and all their children.
God wants every couple to have a happy marriage, a strongly bonded relationship, and a healthy, happy family.
He intends that their love for each other will deepen and mature. To catch a glimpse of God’s original design for marriage, read the first three chapters of Genesis, and then Hosea 2, Jeremiah 16, the Song of Solomon, and finally Matthew 19 and Ephesians 5.
We can know both God’s original plan for marriage, and all the means that He provides to make a successful marriage possible.
God designed marriage as the personal vocation for the vast majority of the human race.
He will help each couple to achieve a good marriage, but He also leaves to each couple many things that only they can do make it happen.
Created as persons with free will and intelligence, and graced with freedom, we must use these powers in a manner that freely cooperates with God’s plan.
What is our end of the bargain? We must learn how to love. This means that we must move away from a self-assertive, self-grasping, and self-seeking expression of love (erotic love) and move towards a self-giving, self-sacrificial and self-emptying expression of love (agapaic love).
Simply put, we must learn how to make the total personal gift of ourself to another.
As we grow older, we are expected to leave former stages of life behind us and grow into more complex and richer stages.
We understand this in physical terms, intellectual terms, and even emotional terms. But most important of all are the affective terms, the capacity for loving.
A couple falls in love, almost unconsciously. But they must make repeated conscious choices to remain in that love and to carry their share of the burdens that will keep this love alive and growing.
It is easy to fall in love, but keeping that love alive requires good choices, repeated acts of self-sacrifice for the benefit of others, and a willingness to do whatever is required for the welfare of those we love.
Real love means that we place the welfare of those we love above our own comfort. We want what is best for them. We want what is truly good for them, all the goods that make them flourish as persons, even if that comes at a personal cost to ourselves.
Thus, a man is most happy when his wife and children are surrounded by love and have the opportunity to develop themselves as full persons. The same is true for a woman, wife and mother.
Making the total gift of self means that we must sometimes say “No” to our personal inclinations and preferences.
My habits and recreations as a bachelor must yield to the needs of my marriage and family. This means giving up some of my previous forms of recreation. As a married man, I recognize that my wife and children have claims upon me that must be met.
To have a good marriage, I must admit that I am no longer the center of the universe. Rather, I am now part of a new universe, which is my wife, our marriage, and our family.
I will only be truly happy if they are thriving as persons who are open to all the gifts of love and life. My God, my marriage, and my family are the center of my universe.
If relationships among these persons are not in good condition, then I cannot be happy, because those most important people in my life are not happy or healthy.
A relationship, like life itself, is never static; it is always developing, like a flower that is unfolding. A relationship requires constant attention. We foster it by attending to what the real requirements are for the present day and present circumstances.
A relationship, like real life, constantly brings new challenges. These challenges call for adjustments, greater maturity, and the willingness to find adequate solutions. Love finds a way.
When there is a spirit of generosity and self-giving, then relationships flourish within a marriage and within a family. A person knows that he or she is loved when their real needs are being attended to. That is so characteristic of a home, and of a marriage.
Parents learn self-discipline and self-sacrificial love. They must help their children to learn these values. Activities in a family that enhance family life are good and beneficial. Activities in a family that detract from family life are evil and harmful.
Because contraception closes a person off from making the total gift of self in the spousal act, it is destructive of authentic spousal love.
Every marriage, and every family is unique because the persons involved are unique. But there is a commonality to all successful marriages and families. They have all discovered God’s plan for authentic human love.
They have learned that real happiness comes from generous self-giving, and not from self-taking. They have discovered that the greatest model for human love is the God-man, Jesus, who gave Himself completely for us, because that is what real love required of him. True love follows in the path of Jesus.
If we bring these dispositions to marriage, then God will bless all our efforts with success. Spouses and children will know that they are loved just for being the persons they are. The child will be recognized as the greatest gift God can give to a couple.
The spouses will understand that their love for one another comes from God, and that each spouse is the God-given complement to the other. They will know that every day God is drawing them closer to Himself and into his own communion of love and life.
Fr. Matthew Habiger OSB holds masters degrees in catechetics and academic theology and a doctorate degree in moral theology from Catholic University of America. He is former president of Human Life International. He is currently associated with Natural Family Planning Outreach in Oklahoma City, focusing on God’s plan for spousal love. Contact him at: mhabiger@sansasmonks.org.